Part 90: Episode LXVIII: This is a Story About a Getting a BJ Crab

Episode LXVIII: This is a Story About a Getting a BJ Crab



Verse 4: The Mysterious Ship
Music: Strumble



For the final lap of Five's food questing trials, we find ourselves in the future citadel of Four. Which was apparently situated on the coast of the Land of Mountains. Not that you could tell particularly easy given the draw distance of the aerial missions. We've never actually had a ground based mission in this map in Zero's campaign. It's coming up in the final branch. Spoilers. I'm a bit mystified as to why they modeled an elaborate, detailed fortress for Four and then never use it. Yet there's no less than four missions set in that godawful sprawling desert and the prologue Notspain map nears the double digits in recycling.



Yes, it is. But something's wrong... I don't see any undersea treasure here.
Hey, everyone! It's another complete and goddamn waste of time!

Oh, don't be such a wet blanket, Dito. We just got here. It's a big and... strangely completely empty place. Not sure what's up with that. But details... Let's at least take a tour around the area before writing it off as another failure.



Now disrobe, Dito! Expose your lithe and naked form to the majestic ocean waves!
What!? Whhhhhyyy!?
So that we might share our love while the salty waves crash over our tight, writhing bodies!
Please kill me.



Come to me, Dito! Cooome...



Uh... Th-That ship! It's being really weird, right? We should probably go check it out!

It's a bit hard to convey in screenshots. But the ship in the background has been doing instant 180 turns and is now spinning wildly in circles with increasing speed while Five has demanded Dito don his birthday suit.



Just hurry up and get on.

Sure thing, Gabriella. This here mission is the final hurrah for everyone's favorite DLC exclusive dragon. It's been a fun ride of clowning on a bunch of idiots in our time together, dragon.

Music: Prevolt – Armaros



Anyway, on to the main event! Five and Gabriella vs. A Big, Juicy Crab! Wait... what?



Initially, an out of control sailboat darting sporadically around the newly created Intoner Arena Forcefield™ is our foe. It doesn't pose any threat unless Gabriella unwisely decides to fly down in front of the speeding vessel. We can pelt the out of control barge with fireballs from the safety of the skies for a bit. However, after a few good hits to the hull...





Sweet fancy Moses! So it turns out not only was Dubstep Crab a gaudy trainwreck of a boss creature. It was a gaudy cheap knock-off of the true King Crab of Midgard. I bet it wasn't even juicy in-between all the wub-wub.



Oooh! Finally! It's my undersea treasure!
Does this seriously look like the catch of the day to you?
It's sooo big! And juicy!
“Big” is not the word!





Big the Crab has two battle phases it will transition between during the course of the battle. By default the colossal crustacean will dart around the arena for a bit before doing a Crabclaw Psycho Crusher in Gabriella's general direction. All we can really do here is just evade and go on the offensive when it's back in the water.



With the shipwreck lodged on its head, it takes very little damage from our piddly fireball shots. So we need to take out its headgear first. A couple of well placed rammings into the wreck's hull while it's treading water is enough to dislodge the craft from its host.





Once the wreck is returned to treading water, rather than serving as BJ Crabowitz's toupee, our dinner special will enter its second phase. The wreck will surface in the very center of the arena sans giant enemy crab.



Big & Juicy will lose all interest in attacking Five and Gabriella and instead will begin surfacing from the edge of the ring's boundaries. From there it will slowly swim back toward the shipwreck in the center to reclaim its secondary shell. We cannot have that, as it will return to phase one of the fight and we'll never have a decent meal for Five if that keeps happening.





Instead, we need to order Gabriella to ram it head on as it surfaces to re-attach itself to the boat. This, as it is just a scientific fact for all shelled creatures, will cause the beastly seafood to flip over on its back for a time exposing its soft underbelly weak point for Gabriella to simmer up for dinner. I wonder if there are any five story tall sentient mounds of butter roaming the wastelands of the mountains nearby.



Ew. You're gonna eat that thing?
Of course! The bigger the meat, the better it tastes, right? It's so huge and thick... Maybe I'll just play with it a little first.
Urp. <dry heaves>
You know, I came here because One said you needed help with your fight. Nobody said anything about making dinner!
Aww. But I can't very well fight on an empty stomach! Plus, all the collagen in this crab will make my skin wonderfully shiny. An Intoner must look her best for her people.
That's it. I can't take this any more.
Agreed...





The big mama crab will continue its attempts to regain its shipwreck hat from here on out. However, while it is occupied by a failing struggle to reclaim lost property, smaller baby crabs will now crop up in groups of three to support their crabby brethren.



Despite their tiny size, these little critters all come with high pressure water cannons and pinpoint accuracy. So priority one is to just make 'em into appetizers ASAP before frying up the main course.



It's seafood. What did you expect?
Not this! There's something seriously wrong with that thing.
Maybe it's rotting?
Oh man, I bet it IS! It's probably collapsing into a big festering pile!
Well, most ingredients ARE best if you age them a little.
Let's finish this, already! I wanna see this thing's bloated, rotten corpse up close!

What? No! Spoiled seafood is no joking matter. That shit will fuck you up. Doubly so if this is some manner of partially zombified crab. Who knows what was even being carried in that shipwreck it's been using as a makeshift iconic cap on top of that. There's got to be a better option here.



Oooh! Get the goo! Two can make some kind of sauce with it!
Oh, naaasty! It's all stringy and filled with little chunks!
It certainly is... an infectious smell, isn't it? Ha ha ha ha! Oh, I do so love savoring these rare delicacies!
Look! LOOK! Check out all the bugs wriggling around in the flesh! It's so gross! I LOVE IT! Aaaah ha ha ha ha!
I bet those add amazing flavor! I can't wait to get all those steaming juices onto my plate! Oooh...
Ugh. Could you two BE any more deranged?



In a surprising twist, it actually turns out Gabriella just told the Intoner sisters to piss off after witnessing what nut jobs the lot of 'em were in action. She's currently living on a beach on the coast of Drakengard Florida. Which is surprisingly perfectly dull and normal in that universe. Go figure. Gabriel was just some wild dragon with a similar color palette One found out in the woods and spun a half-assed cover story about Gabriella using her final wish to a conveniently mute, far more powerful form in order to save face.



Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ohoho man, thiiiis is awesome! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Hehahahaha!



Music: Nethernox



With the big, juicy crab finally dispatched...



...the group decided to cook and eat it on the spot.



Ohhh, sooo yummy...



Sooo yummy...



Soooo yummy...



Ohhh sooo yummy... Ohhh yes... <slurp> Soooo yummy... Mmm... <chew> Mmmm mmmm! <chew> So... <slurp> So yummy... Mmmmm... <slurp>





And that is for the final adventure of Zero's dysfunctional sisters. Five finally got her meal and it only took a few torture sessions and a couple hundred dead soldiers to obtain it. After the whole death of an entire orphanage full of children, and the whole horrific war crime human experiments for science, and the genocide... turns out Five's adventure was pretty mild.

Zero herself still has a prologue DLC we'll be covering later. There is a very, very clear break for ZERO'S BACKSTORY GOES HERE point in Branch D when we'll be hitting up Zero's early adventures with Michael. But that's a story for another day.



While we're in the neighborhood, it's time to check out the final unique weapon exclusive to the Prologues DLC.











Video: Five's Prologue Verse 4 Highlight Reel



Big, Juicy Crab Concept Art